Friday, May 10, 2013

Why I don't deserve Sunday...

I feel horrible today.  I feel ashamed of myself.

We've had some very trying times lately. I'm sure other moms can relate... The crying, the whining, the fighting, the pouting... It is HARD stuff being a parent!  I try as hard as I possibly can to be a good mother to my girls.  I try to listen to them, I try to reason with them.  When that doesn't work, I try to fairly discipline.  I really try.  I try to be present, fair, fun, and comforting.  I TRY.

We all have our breaking point.  You know, that very second where you absolutely can't take ONE. MORE. THING.  I broke.  I said something that shouldn't have been said.  I hurt feelings. I failed.

Last night was horrible.  Taylor is a very tricky little thing when it comes to bedtime.  If she is in bed too early, she can't fall asleep, gets mad and throws a fit.  If she goes to bed too late, she is overly tired and super fussy. She cries, throws a fit, and is just stand-off-ish.  Between 7:30 and 8:00 is her golden time.  As long as she's in bed sometime within that half-hour, we are pretty good!  Last night was the overly tired scenario.  It was almost 8:30 and she had already started crying.  She cried because she wanted to get rid of a doll.  She cried because I wouldn't let her get rid of said doll.  She cried because I asked her to be quiet so I could hear Jaden's story.  She cried because her cookie broke.  She cried because she had to go upstairs.  She cried, as Jaden would tell you, "Because the sky is blue."  At bedtime, she just refused to lay down and go to bed.  She would scream if I left the room, but wouldn't listen to me when I stayed.  We can't just let her cry because Jaden is also in bed.  Jaden goes to bed great!  She has school in the morning.  It is not fair to her to be kept up late because her sister is crying.  I stayed in her room until at least 9:30.  Mike came up and took over.  He didn't come down until almost 10:00.  She was out and we were both on edge and exhausted.  It's the dumbest thing.  I hate going through this.

Taylor woke up on her own this morning.  She was walking a really fine line between good mood and bad.  She tipped to the good side and was laughing and playing around.  It was refreshing after the night we had.  Then, she fell into the bad mood side.  She had come downstairs for breakfast. Jaden got to the table before she did and sat in my chair.  Normally, Taylor sits in my chair and Jaden sits in her own.  Not for any reason, just because.  Breakfast is typically a free-for-all when it comes to seats.  But today, it made Taylor mad.  She would not get in her seat and eat her strawberries.  I warned her that we were leaving soon. I knew that when it was time to go, if she still had strawberries left, we'd have WWIII on our hands.  When she finally did get into her seat, she didn't think she had enough strawberries.  It was just one thing after another.  I was already at the end of my rope.  I just walked away, sighing and said to myself, "I'm so tired of being your mom."  I did not mean for it to be heard.  I did not mean what I said.  When I came back into the kitchen, the look on Jaden's face broke my heart.  Her eyes were glassed over and when she found her words, her voice cracked, "You don't want to be our mommy anymore?"  Oh boy.  I hugged her so hard and reassured her that, of course I want to be their mommy!  I told her that sometimes it just gets hard and that mommies need breaks sometimes.  I felt like the worst mom in the world.  I have been banned from the basement all week as the girls get their Mother's Day surprises ready.  How could those words have come out of my mouth?  Why did I say that?  Being their mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me!  Jaden was totally fine by the time we left, but I still felt like crap.  This mom doesn't deserve anything this Sunday.  This mom failed.  UPDATE: I had a wonderful Mother's Day :-) Pity party is over!

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amanda said...

oh sweet girl - don't be too hard on yourself. like you said, it is really hard being a mommy. i've had many of those moments too and i know ALL moms have. you're an amazing mommy!!

Janet Berry-Johnson said...

Aw. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all have our moments. I know sometimes when my son is screaming like he's the most abused child in the history of the world (because I did something horrible like refuse to let him empty the trash can onto the kitchen floor) thoughts cross my mind about how carefree my life would be if I didn't have a child and how exhausted I am trying to keep up with him. He's only 13 months old! Of course we love our kids and wouldn't trade them for anything! You're only human. Take some time for yourself, get a mani/pedi or have some drinks with your girlfriends. It'll recharge your battery to keep fighting the good fight. Hugs!

Jenny said...

Rethink those last two sentences! As you are your previous post! You are the best! You are not perfect,....but you are the BEST...and both girls know that! Love ya! (now revised this post by deleting or at least putting a line through those last two sentences!)

Jenny said...