Friday, November 5, 2010

How do you measure self-worth?

  
That is what I look at each and every day that I sit in my crap hole of a job.  It's not cute.  It's not creative.  It's the truth.  I feel like if I don't remind myself of that 500 bazillion times a day, I may lose it. 

I hate my job.  I went to school in hopes of landing a super awesome graphic design job that I could go to and create super cool things that people look at and say, "Holy crap!  How did you do that?"  Instead, I get my sorry butt out of bed each and every morning and go to a job where I am not using my creative abilities 95% of the time.  I design crap for teachers.  Do you know how many times I am asked to use clip art??  Asking a graphic designer to use clip art is like asking your doctor to use your kid's Fisher Price doctor's kit.  It's an insult and it just doesn't work.  But, I do it because I don't have a choice.  I try to make it my own and not use the crappy clip art and I am told to do it like they want it.  It sucks.  REALLY bad.

I try not to let my butt hole job interfere with my home life.  I try really hard.  Last week alone, I had Mike ask me if "we" were ok because I seemed distant and Jaden asked me if I was happy.  I am so depressed at work and unfortunately it shows at home.  I think of the hours that I am pulled away from my kids to be at a place that sucks the life out of me and I feel so guilty.  This job has ruined me and what I ever thought my future would be.  If I were to lose this job, I would probably never go into graphic design again.  That is how much I despise the work I do.

The economy sucks right now.  I feel like Mike and I are hamsters running on a wheel.  We want to move but we need to save up money first.  We can't seem to save one penny because unexpected expenses always come up.  I hate that I go to work every day to a job I don't like and my check is spent before I even bring it home.  We both try to do things to make some extra money on the side but it still doesn't get us off of that stupid wheel.  Good things come to those who wait, right? 

Since I'm being honest, I'm going to tell you what I really want to do.  I want to stay home with my girls and run a home day care.  I think I would be great at it.  I would get the chance to be there for my kids as well as a few other kids too.  I could use my creativity by doing projects with the kids.  I would be my own boss and get paid for doing what I love.  So why am I not doing that?  It's because of the darn hamster wheel again.  We want to move in the next couple of years.  What would you do if the home you were taking your kids to everyday suddenly put a "For Sale" sign in the front yard?  You would look elsewhere because you don't want to be left without childcare, right?  Then, I could potentially be left with a house that won't sell and no income.  I need to wait until we move and are in a permanent location.  BUT, like I said, we aren't in a place to save a whole lot right now so that is kind of hard to even think about.

Someday...

Someday we'll save enough money...

Someday we'll be able to move...

Someday I'll quit my job...

Someday...

8 comments:

Jackie said...

But for now just remember all of the people that love and support you no matter where you work, where you live or how much money you have saved.

Biz Dickmeyer said...

I would send my kids to you in a heartbeat for day care! If it helps any I wouldn't want you to use clip art when you design something for me because I know your creativity is lots better than that! Sometimes we just have to go out and take a leap of faith and try something new. Wish my husband and I made more money and then I wouldn't have to be on a hair accessories budget and I could fund your creativity more.

Kristen said...

alright I'm gonna use your line "good things come to those who wait"... though sometimes don't ya just feel like you've waited long enough?! lol GOod luck to you and the fam, sorry that you hate your job so much. btw, maybe you should just come move to KS? :-)

Lora said...

You want to move in a couple of years? A lot of things can happen a couple of years - maybe you don't want a daycare anymore, maybe you have a different job opportunity...

Here in Canada after a home is sold it can be 30-90days before the new buyer can get possession. That would give you enough time to give notice to the families. Plus, depending on where you move, some of the families might move with you.

Abbey said...

I'd say go for it. I think I remember you mentioning once that you wanted to move to have the girls in county schools vs. city schools.

I think most city schools (especially by where you live) are just fine for the first few years of elementary. Worst case scenario, you don't get to move until J is in 2nd or 3rd grade. If schools are your main concern, I think you'd be just fine.

Your babies aren't getting any younger, and if you wait too long you'll miss their at-home days! We've made a lot of sacrifices so I can be at home, but they are all worth it.

Plus, you could just keep all of your clients in the loop even before you put your home on the market, so they wouldn't feel rushed or cheated.

Do it, do it! I'd totally recommend you as a sitter!

amanda bee said...

Hugs sweet girl... you are an amazing mommy, wife and friend!

Angela said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so down and out. Man have I ever been there!

Would you guys move far? I bet you anything families would follow you! And if they couldn't, they'd still understand. You might think I'm only saying this because I don't understand because I don't have kids, I don't own a home...but I am going to say it anyway: get out now and live your dream! Life's too short to hate your job and feel unhappy 40 hours a week. It craps on your self esteem, it sucks out your energy, and worst, it prevents you from being a whole, wonderful YOU for your family.

You can't ever get time back. Live for the now and don't worry about the when: When we move... When we have enough saved... Things always find a way of working themselves out when they need to.

Of course, I also respect that Mike is part of this too and that I *don't* know all the details. But if you can make it work, I say do it!

she wears flowers said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I love your sign -- a good reminder!

I am new to your blog and wish I had found you sooner! I have recently bought graphic design work through Etsy. I was pleased with the process and it worked all via Internet. Have you considered something like that? It seems to me that the complany I bought from is doing really well and she seems to work on it late at night because she has little ones of her own. Just a thought!

And...Your Christmas card designs are gorgeous!