How do you measure self-worth?

  

That is what I look at each and every day that I sit in my crap hole of a job.  It's not cute.  It's not creative.  It's the truth.  I feel like if I don't remind myself of that 500 bazillion times a day, I may lose it. 

I hate my job.  I went to school in hopes of landing a super awesome graphic design job that I could go to and create super cool things that people look at and say, "Holy crap!  How did you do that?"  Instead, I get my sorry butt out of bed each and every morning and go to a job where I am not using my creative abilities 95% of the time.  I design crap for teachers.  Do you know how many times I am asked to use clip art??  Asking a graphic designer to use clip art is like asking your doctor to use your kid's Fisher Price doctor's kit.  It's an insult and it just doesn't work.  But, I do it because I don't have a choice.  I try to make it my own and not use the crappy clip art and I am told to do it like they want it.  It sucks.  REALLY bad.

I try not to let my butt hole job interfere with my home life.  I try really hard.  Last week alone, I had Mike ask me if "we" were ok because I seemed distant and Jaden asked me if I was happy.  I am so depressed at work and unfortunately it shows at home.  I think of the hours that I am pulled away from my kids to be at a place that sucks the life out of me and I feel so guilty.  This job has ruined me and what I ever thought my future would be.  If I were to lose this job, I would probably never go into graphic design again.  That is how much I despise the work I do.

The economy sucks right now.  I feel like Mike and I are hamsters running on a wheel.  We want to move but we need to save up money first.  We can't seem to save one penny because unexpected expenses always come up.  I hate that I go to work every day to a job I don't like and my check is spent before I even bring it home.  We both try to do things to make some extra money on the side but it still doesn't get us off of that stupid wheel.  Good things come to those who wait, right? 

Since I'm being honest, I'm going to tell you what I really want to do.  I want to stay home with my girls and run a home day care.  I think I would be great at it.  I would get the chance to be there for my kids as well as a few other kids too.  I could use my creativity by doing projects with the kids.  I would be my own boss and get paid for doing what I love.  So why am I not doing that?  It's because of the darn hamster wheel again.  We want to move in the next couple of years.  What would you do if the home you were taking your kids to everyday suddenly put a "For Sale" sign in the front yard?  You would look elsewhere because you don't want to be left without childcare, right?  Then, I could potentially be left with a house that won't sell and no income.  I need to wait until we move and are in a permanent location.  BUT, like I said, we aren't in a place to save a whole lot right now so that is kind of hard to even think about.

Someday...

Someday we'll save enough money...

Someday we'll be able to move...

Someday I'll quit my job...

Someday...